She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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