my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You may now shotgun with the bride
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
