He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
