from now on my penis is your penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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