don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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