There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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