Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
