I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
