you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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