I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
