she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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