I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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