So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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