This is not my ceiling
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize