Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
