If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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