there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
