I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
