Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
