I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you would pick up someone in the library
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
