I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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