I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize