i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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