Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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