Soap is not a condiment
I want to walk on stilts...naked
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
