8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize