she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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