The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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