there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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