You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
