I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
