Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
