You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
