Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
