T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
