i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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