Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
