Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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