i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
