so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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