I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize