She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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