just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Found the puke drawer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
