Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize