Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
