he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize