you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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