if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
