I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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