I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
