I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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