Can i not drive my cunt home
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There are leaves in my underwear?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
