I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish you could order shots online.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
