I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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