The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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